So current exploration of self, memory, time, death is continuing to grow. Its not really faded away which has surprised me. How much work could you squeeze from it, I guess it is never ending.
It will soon be the 14th year anniversary of my mum's death. The course has brought back feelings from my childhood experiences with in education. I am 44 soon to be 45 and I am at a transitional point where am I going? I feel like a 14 year old teenager not sure which way I should go..........thinking just fuck it all off there's no point. And the part thinking keep going no matter what because there is a point i just don't know it. Maybe I will call the final assignment 14. More visual experiments
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Okay lets be honest, I think I like sticks because I seem to beat myself with one a lot. If its there I will pick it up and there you go hours of endless fun. It has always seemed easier to pick the stick before somebody else - poor me. Of course it is not poor me, it's time to put the stick down.
I have been slow in the submission of the 2nd assignment, I have been concerned about the written and the research element in the course. Education strikes the fear of god into me, a childhood throw back it is one big stick and I ain't thick :) so time to stop beating myself with it. So why is it taking a long time to submit the 2nd assignment? Of course the written and research anxiety is not helping I know that - I know that the more I do the easier it will become, remember short and sweet Time? what have I been doing all this time? Full time work, family life, normal day to day life. On top of assignment 2 I have also been working on assignment 3 which the visual element is 99% (not posted up) complete and assignment 5 a visual possibility is developing. So that isn't a stick, it is an achievement. Assignment 5 visual possibility. Is a question that I have been seeking an answer to. I realize that it is a pointless question because if the answer was A then the answer would always be A. Of course has individuals we continually change and develop until the day we die and therefore the answer will never be "the answer". It is like chasing a shadow, a dog chasing its own tail getting nowhere focused on a single point and forgetting everything else that surrounds us. Maybe it should be a question of where? where was I, where I am, where I am going and that me has always been me, ever changing. I saw a flash of my past, a part of teenage identity, sexuality, angst, fun, flirtation, passive interaction with the opposite sex. A few weeks back my 15 year old son brought home a girl friend NOT a girlfriend they hung out listened to music. Me and my wife was having a few drinks when my son and his friend came into the room laughing, she had given him a full make over which was really funny. I saw the opportunity for a portrait, "wait there Jack can I get a photo, can I get a photo" of course Jack agreed he has lived with me and the camera for so long he doesn't batter an eye lid, me running around sorting out lighting and getting the shot done within 5 minutes start to finish. His friend completely dazed by what was happening, she looked on. This was the final image out of 15 images taken, permission given by my son to use online - the most important element of this image consent.
Needless to say he does see much of her anymore, I feel guilty because I probably scared her off. I remember this period of my life, makeup applied by a female, a passive teenager, identity, angst, discovery and vulnerability, maybe a path that I am still walking, ever changing discovery and vulnerability of what it is to be man, to be me. Over the course of the last few months, things have just happened, just presented themselves to the point I am beginning to notice these chance moments and beginning to act on them.
Assignment two and three are visually almost complete, but I need to reflect, exploring and write up the work. Both of the assignments occurred like a bolt of lightening and happened so quick I am concerned by the time taken which is no time at all. I need to accept that some work will just happen. For example I was cleaning my tip of a shed out at the weekend and I came across some old negatives which are complete destroyed. Since the Suitcase I requested some old family photos from my Dad which I may start to spread this across my whole family. Playing I decided put the two together. It took a minute or two it came from nowhere. It is something to think about for the future. I wonder if this could work in terms of a potential approach to assignment 3. The dairy is mundane, so maybe the images need to be mundane something I have started to do - document things in the home left on the floor. I have experimented with a slide show of course it is very early days but echo chamber seems to fit the idea that today echos parts of the previous days.
vimeo.com/257572766 This is the question, what is the work? it means something to me but how can you say without saying? Even I am unsure what or why it really is, where does it come from and what do I want it to do. I don't know. It is quite frustrating.
Is it this or that, even with a defined personal intent, the focus of postmodern is to let go of control of the work and to allow the viewer to create there own narrative reducing the true personal intent to the bare bones or even ash. I just need to see the body and learn how to boil it down. But I do need to remember that it is still early days, I am here to fail. My small successes will come there failures. Yesterday had a google hangout [Accessed 22/01/18] which was organized by Allan O'neill and chaired by OCA tutor Clive White. For students to get together, discuss photography and seek feedback.
It was both interesting and useful. But I am still finding it difficult to openly talk about what I do and why. I am finding it quite difficult to openly talk and engage about others work and discuss photographic topics. It's easy to type away on a keyboard but it is so difficult to talk. I can talk all day and everyday about my thoughts and ideas with Sam (my wife) but beyond I feel completely out of my depth. It seems that many other students read and read, research and research this is shown within there learning logs it packed with all this knowledge something that I feel I maybe short on. I have never been one for reading or talking in large numbers. I just need to keep picking away at it and I am sure it will get easier. So I did try to colour code the annotation of the tutor feedback but it was not very kind of the eyes, but it was worth a try.
I have being playing with ideas for "Unseen" and it has struck me that maybe I am a little to quick to decide what and where things should be and go. This is a little closed in approach, my thinking and thoughts wide and broad. Maybe start with a fixed idea but continue to experiment and do different things and see if any other work emerges. So the first assignment feedback is back. It is positive and I feel quite happy, this is something I need to work on. It is a good base to start from to this unit. I have started to digest the feedback and have decided that traffic light notation system could help me move forward the feedback I receive. Also it will help validate areas of strength and weakness I have identified pre feedback. If I can spot some issues before the tutor I am on a positive track. Just a case of letting it all sink in and start to write up a reflection.
I have decided to change this the heading from blog to journal, mainly because I there is no audience just me, nobody is really interested in what I think or feel nor what I do. It may not be important to others but this is my own personal journey. In my head a blog is aimed at an audience and it is tailored to that audience but a journal is deep and personal, the reason why I started this degree pathway even in uncertainly was not for a piece of paper, not for the OCA but for me, why? I am not sure but it is for me and me alone.
If anyone reads this journal start to finish, thank you and I hope it helped in some kind of way. It helped me I am just unsure at this time how. |